A part of me wants to be this independent work horse, dedicated to her trade (fashion) but then that other restless side wants me to be a world traveling gypsy, experiencing life rather than just living in it. Can't I have at least a compromise! Lately i've been rooted to my closet floor ..... no i'm not looking for a missing shoe but i'm crying. I think a majority of it comes from the unknown like I was mentioning before but the other half comes from being alone. I hate it, absolutely, unequivocally hate it with every being inside me!!! I wake up and go to sleep alone. Why is it that I have a Queen size bed but I only seem to sleep on one side like i'm waiting for Mr. Wonderful to get out of the shower and come jump in bed with me. I try and stay focused on these job opportunities but in the back of my mind they would never be complete without someone to love or love you.
Lately i've been having dreams about past lovers or relationships and I dont get it. In one of them .... i'm in this paradise vacation spot having the best time when Eric pulls out a knife trying to kill me and the dream is mainly me running for it and in the other i'm marrying Elzo and being completely content in the choice. But on the inside i'm burning and screaming and yet no one can hear me. Two crazy extremes for sure and I don't know what it's telling me .... but I have been thinking alot about them.
Maybe Eric represents a good relationship and how I do tend to run almost for my life. As much as I want it i'm scared. Where as Elzo represents the dysfunctional relationship that was absolutely wrong for me .... but the only relationship I know how to have. My perception of guys is just all over the place. In my book i'm reading, "Eat.Pray.Love" Richard from Texas and Elizabeth discuss her thoughts on her past (which I might add I broke out in tears about when I read it)
"But I love him."
"So love him"
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him love and light everytime you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's where you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all the space in you're mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do
with that doorway? It will rush in - and fill you with more love then you ever dreamed."
I just connect with that. I need to just get off that floor and start moving and go with it. I'm done talking the talk I want to get up and walk the walk in my gorgeous new heels. Regardless if no one is right beside me. I need to loose the old Danika moto of how things should be the proper way and just live! Intertwine my two loves without having to drop one or the other and maybe after all the hard work .... love will come. Patience.
* So I wrote this blog a few hours ago and I just reactivted my facebook account (rolling eyes) .... I know (lol) and I do those "Message from God" fb apps .... and I had to share what it said. Maybe this is the sign to show me he is listening ... who knew God was so trendy and up to date with fb ;)